I have been back in the US and back living with my parents for almost a week, and although I suspected it would be difficult, I am a little thrown at how unmoored I feel after just this small amount of time living in the house where I grew up.
Case in point: I am writing this entry on my father’s computer (because he doesn’t have wireless in the house, I can’t get online on my laptop) with the private browsing on so there is no record of my blog or what I am writing. I am alone in the house and I feel like I am sneaking around.
I think back to this post and realize that I am going to have to tap into those skills HARD. I really had no idea what living with my folks again was going to do to my eating, but whoa boy, it has been triggering being here. The second night I was here, I asked my mother if she had any ice cream, and she said “oh, have a yogurt, it’s better for you,” and I capitulated and ate the yogurt. It was yummy, it was fine, but I’m a grown woman and I can eat the ice cream if I want to. Did I say that out loud? Of course not.
Then my mom started showing me her book on mindful eating and how it’ll get you to lose weight, and I just sort of brushed it away with some kind of distraction. Did I mention, oh by the way, I’ve been working with a nutritionist and know all about mindful eating? Of course not either.
On Michelle’s advice, I bought some food of my own to have in the house, but I felt scrutinized buying it and I feel scrutinized eating it. Last night I sat in the living room waiting for my mother to go to bed so I could eat some crackers in peace. I eventually decided I didn’t want the crackers because I had heartburn, but I hated getting wrapped up in all that drama around whether or not I should or shouldn’t want them in my head.
Now my parents are out grocery shopping (as they do every Monday night, as they have done for the past 25 years at least) and I am home alone and I just ate 7 cookies in a row that I didn’t necessarily want all of out of mild hunger and raging defiance. I am finding that I am a little hungrier during the day than I prefer to be because I am not eating all I need to stay satisfied because I don’t want the big old judgy eyeball from my mother.
So I know that this isn’t working for me the way it is, but I am not yet sure how to handle it. I can certainly work alone on eating what I want out of desire instead of rebellion – I really have no desire to feel 15 years old again – but lurking in the back of my head is the idea that I might have to have a conversation with my mother where I lay down what’s what with me in an adult and reasonable manner, and that is so far from the way my family communicates (or doesn’t communicate!) that it is intimidating the socks off of me.
I guess if nothing else, this is an opportunity to really get to work on being an adult, because this feeling like a kid again really bites.